Being in Jakarta,
When was I really feeling it, this place? Familiar, at the same time, a stranger to me as well. Sadly I find it the hard way, friends do come and go, and we too, might be the one who come and go in other's life. We found there was no one who are looking forward for our coming back, or no one to find for when we come home.
Sometimes we are coming home for the concrete idea of home itself, not the feeling of being home. The idea of home has always been the people for me. I would actually come home for the people I have left for awhile. I am scared I left nothing. Ouch.
Well, to be completely honest, I left a mess, big mess, before I left this place. First year after I left, some of the nights, my thoughts used to bring me back here. Until, I am used to the idea of solitary. Living a wardrobe life, playing dressing up.
I used to love so many places but the place I was born. Indeed, what is wrong with me?! I don't know, did you leave mess before you leave a place? Cause if you did, it will never lead you anywhere but closer to your self destruction.
How could we fly if we are holding sacks of burning charcoal? Neither do run faster helps, the fire will burn higher. I have learned to accept my past in these few weeks, make peace with our past, or the people. Talk it out, and forgive. Forgiveness does not always come from both side, but I could be started by ourselves. That might be the hardest first move we could do.
Next would be, give time to breath the new air. As I forgive my past and myself, I begin to know more. Begin again, we are given thousand chances to change, to begin again. You see? even some corners in our home have not been discovered by us. As well as, there are things we got to absorb back. Catching up with people we have left before, or people we used to adore or love.
The last thing would be, just believe, we are loved. Acceptance comes from those whom we trust to catch us when we feel vulnerable. Yes, it would take a long time to find those we could just trust and accept us apart from whatever we have become. It takes a long process, and searching, However, this time, trust me, do not see with your eyes, but use every senses you have but eyes.
Initiate to forgive, begin again, we are loved.
P.S: Thank you so much for Erlin Garelli for standing by my side and wearing my shoes.
Location: Lucky Cat Coffee Kitchen, Jetski Cafe.
Black dress: Local store bought in Guangzhou, Blue&White striped top: Zara, Ripped Jeans Long Pants: Zara
Photographer: Ariel Ezra Bezaliel (www.arielbezaliel.com)